FULFILLING MY SOUL’S DESIRE, ADVENTURES IN HEALING BIRTH

“WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?”

A question I remember hearing often as a child when I was discovered crying alone.
The answer was usually “Oh, nothing.”

I was unable to say that ‘matter’ was the matter with me, the physical. My body hurt. Mother, my incubator, spaceship, guru, doorway to human life was in pain. We were echoing one another. Fear and confusion blocked full expression. Desperately sad, I was aware of a deep longing for something or someone and did not know why. Time and ‘the adults’ taught me how to manage the feelings. I learned to name them ‘homesick’, and ‘heartbreak’, and ‘disappointment’. I learned to project them out onto other people or situations as the cause.

I EXPERIENCED REAL GROWTH

Release, and relief in psychotherapy and group therapy with a noted psychiatrist. I also participated in new alternative forms of personal development available in the early 1970’s in New York City. There was still something missing. I did not access the true source of my longing until my first session of ‘re-birthing’ in the strange environment of hot water with a snorkel and nose clips.

This form of Breathwork was in the very early stage of development. It was thought that the activator of birth memories was the hot water. I know now that it was the slow and steady connected breath through the snorkel into my wounded heart that activated the birth memory of GUILT and SADNESS and SHAME. I felt excruciating physical and emotional pain in all of my body about my mother’s pain. My words through the body wrenching sobs were, ‘I didn’t mean to do it. I didn’t mean to do it.’

THAT WAS A LIFE-ALTERING EXPERIENCE IN THE AUTUMN OF 1975. 

I was deeply impressed with the power of the process and the link between body and mind through the breath. I continued to explore birth, birth memories, AND the all-important breath as the pathway to the memories held in my body/mind. My relationship with my mother changed dramatically. I was more able to accept and receive her and her way of showing love. Once the barrier of guilt was revealed, I embraced my own essential innocence and love for my mother that was primal and eternal. I realised that my intentions are pure and always have been; my loving expression is safe; and, oh so crucial, those whom I love are safe with me. 

I HAD RETRIEVED A PART OF MY SOUL. 

My longing was for my body and my love, not hers or someone else’s. I wanted to feel my body wholly without fear, to be wholly with it. I knew that my longing was to fully individuate, to matter, to materialise Spirit. I sensed that I had begun to consciously fulfil Soul’s Desire: to embody love, to serve, and to enjoy the experience of being physical. This is an on going process that enriches all of my life.

Being aware that, ‘My love is innocent, my love heals!’ has made it possible to do deeper self-exploration. It has facilitated both emotional and physical healing. I know that awakening to the essence of being innocent and the truth of my loving intention in all things has allowed me to be in compassionate relationship with myself and to support others on this shared path. This fundamental loving relationship sustains my ability to create successful relationships and, also, to face challenges in relationship whether personal, clinical/business, or physical. 

LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTERS IN THE FULLNESS OF TIME

Blessings, Binnie May 2016